posted on July 11, 2002 03:17:40 PM new
I can always count on this forum for a variety of ideas and suggestions, therefore I come here again asking for advice.
Those of you who followed my earlier thread will remember that my dad died in June. Among the things I have learned through this process is:
There is no book, "Grieving for Dummies".
While my head knows he is out of pain and at peace, my heart HURTS. I wasn't prepared to hurt this bad. I had convinced myself that his death would be a relief.
Since my mother had been his caregiver for two years, her every waking moment was spent caring for him. The livingroom had been converted into a "hospital" room.
We (sister, niece, spouses, me) spent 4 days cleaning the house from one end to the other. Then we removed all the hospital stuff and found out that the furniture that had been in storage was all ruined. So my sister took mom furniture shopping two days after the funeral while I cleaned carpets.
I begged my mother to come stay with me for awhile. I took two weeks off work and stayed with her, one week at her house and one week at mine. Last monday I went back to work and mom is still at my house.
Everynight when I come home, I see that her eyes are swollen and red from crying. I called her doctor yesterday and filled him in on her condition. He agreed to call her back last night (at my house) after I got home. After speaking to her, he called in a prescription for Zoloft.
Those of you who have lost spouses, please give me some guidance in helping my mom. What should I do, what should I not do? What did people do for you that helped, and what made things worse?
posted on July 11, 2002 04:30:24 PM new
I can't help you much, VG. As I said, my mom died May 31st at midnight. I still break down crying at times for short moments when I think of how awfull and undignified a death that she had to have. I d not cry becaue I miss her as I see life as only a blip in Eternity, with a sure and certain existance after death. So I am not worried about my mom now, but it is hard to remember her last days and hours. That's sad. I suppose that over time, I'll work it out. I haven't seen anyone in my family since my mom died, nor have I spoken to them. I suppose everyone is still stunned and in shock at living a life without my mother physically in it. Everyone handles it differntly and there is no "book" on how to handle it, except with as much grace as you can manage. Go with the flow and do not deny those who are looking to you for reassurance that they are not alone. Your mom will leave your home when she is able to. She will eventually realize that you have a life to live as well and that her new situation is an expected, if unwelcome, part of living, and she will leave. Don't do anything that you'll regret later on, even if it means a hasle now. With your dad passed awy, it should seem like the hassle are all over, but they don't stop and your strength is still needed. Give things a while and in your grief, try to idntify what things that are there that hurts you the most and try to deal with them when you finally get the chance. That's all I'm doing.
posted on July 11, 2002 04:51:11 PM new
Valleygirl - My heart goes out to you and your mother. I know the pain can seem unbearable at first. I know, that in time, the pain will ease for both you and your mother. It's going to take time, maybe a long time. Each one of us deals differently with death.
While I've never lost a spouse [the thought alone makes me cry] I have lost close family members and have watched close friends go through their own pain when they did lose their spouse.
The time for mourning is different...everyone's loss is different. I know my next door neighbor's mother lost her husband of almost 50 years, and she stayed with her daughter for months before she could stand returning to the home she shared with her husband.
She seemed to flurish being around her daughter's family, rather than returning to an empty house.
I'm glad to hear you let your mother's doctor know of your concern. Sounds like you are doing all you can do to take care of her emotional health. Just be supportive, as you are able, and give it some time. In a while, encourage her to return to some of the activities that brought her pleasure or enjoyment. Doing something for others, sometimes takes our minds off our own problems.
Wish I had some magical answer that would help, but I don't. But from experience I will say that time will help heal some of the pain you and your mother are feeling. It's hard...no doubt about that.
posted on July 11, 2002 05:06:24 PM new
I would encourage you to drop little requests on your mom to do a shopping chore or research something for you. Not some big thing but just enough to get her out of the house so she does not just sit in all day and cry. You might ask her to go get a small birthday gift for a relative or such. It will be an affirmation that you trust her taste and a diversion from obsessing on the loss.
Maybe ask her to go to the library and get a cook book or a DVD. Something like that. She will feel like she is doing something worthwhile.
posted on July 11, 2002 05:13:15 PM new
Valleygirl, my father died in March. My mother took care of him at home for the past year.
My problem is the opposite of yours. Maybe I'm too unemotional but I've only cried at the funeral. When people came through the reception line and kept saying how much they had liked my father, I cried. I think my three sisters and mother are like this also. One sister admitted that the funeral was the last time she wept. My mother wasted no time giving his wood carving tools, clothes, and papers away. I think everyone handles death in different ways. I keep waiting for all this to catch up to me. Your mother needs time to deal with all the changes in her life.
I try to keep track of how my mother is doing - I call and drop by a couple times a week. The biggest surprise to me occurred when I looked in her refridgerator and it looked like a bachelor's (okay, stereotype) - very little food. When my father was alive, she kept the fridge packed because he became a fussy eater and she always wanted something to tempt him to eat. In fact we used to throw a lot of food away because it would go bad before they would eat it all. Now she says that she doesn't want to eat the same food three days in a row and all her recipes are for too much. I told her to go to her grocery store's salad bar or go to the library or bookstore and get a new cookbook. I've turned the tables on her - I've become a food nag.
We discuss my dad's quirks and tell familiar tales about him. We don't pussyfoot around the subject. But that's just our way. You know your mother best so you'll be the best judge about how much she wants to talk. Maybe her doctor could tell her what to generally expect although, as you said, everyone handles death differently.
posted on July 11, 2002 07:42:26 PM new
The one thing more than any other that really seems to start mom crying is when she wants to tell dad something. There was an article in the paper about something that would interest him and before she realized what she was doing, she asked me if she could cut it out and give it to him.
Then a few days ago, she bought donuts while I picked up the dry cleaning. When she got home and opened the donuts, she realized she had bought an apple fritter for dad, his favorite. She just burst into tears.
I told her to cut out the article and save it and she could give it to dad herself when it was her time. Lord, I didn't know what else to say.
On the day before the funeral, when the family was gathering at the hotel, my grandson ran up to my mother and said, "Nana, do you miss Papa?". My mom said, "yes I do", he hugged her and told her he loved her, then ran off to play. My mom has told that story so many times and she keeps saying she wishes she could tell dad.
I suggested that she start a journal and write down all the things that she wants to tell dad. That way, when she sees him again, she won't forget all the things she wants to share with him.
My brother had a "dream" the night dad died, dad told my brother to watch mom's spending habits, "after all you know how she is". Then last night dad told him, "Don't worry about me, everyone is here". My brother had no idea what dad meant by "everyone is here".
Also on the night dad died, my sister was sleeping in the hotel room with mom. My sister woke up in the middle of the night and next to mom, but on dad's side of the bed, my sister said there was a bright glow next to mom. She insists there was no light from outside, nor from a TV or bathroom.
I just finished reading "Final Gifts" written by hospice nurses about what dying people can teach us. It has given me some comfort. The last three chapters really fit mom and dad's situation.
Not my name on ebay.
posted on July 11, 2002 11:31:45 PM new
The grief work for you and your family is just beginning, really. You do have my sincerest sympathies. I heard someone say the other day on TV that grief is the price we pay for love.
Nearly 20 years ago my father was killed in a car accident; he was 77. I was doing pretty well, back in my hometown, back at work, but pretty soon older men who came in would do something like jingle the coins in their pockets the way Dad did, and I'd be a mess. A few months after he died, I felt that it was high time I "got over it."
I was working for a chamber of commerce, and the president that year was a funeral director. He came in one day and asked how I was doing; I told him, with tears in my eyes. He asked how long it had been--about three months. He told me that, in his experience, the three-month point is the worst, and then it does get better. People do okay through the funeral and the cleaning up etc., have their moments but sort of do pretty well for a few weeks, and then start feeling pretty terrible and think there's something wrong with them.
Since he told me this, I've marked on my calendar the three-month period for friends who've lost someone close, and I make sure to
pay special attention--and reassure them that things will get better.
We never get over the loss of a loved one, though, completely. It may be the price we have to pay for having loved and for being human.
Do give special care to your mother and others (including yourself) at the 3-month point. You have my prayers. Adele
posted on July 11, 2002 11:47:44 PM new
I am busy crying for you all, I have seen the very young go and the very old, but not as a spouse. My ex father in law just passed they gave him 60 days to live the date the Doctors told him this was 9 am Sept 11th! He is gone and his wife cries alone and really puts on the brave face when others are around, the thing that gets her going is a church group for widows and she also joined another group to help single moms, Your family sounds like there may be a tie to a church, maybe that will help.
(the glow your sister saw, I believe) There is another book, more for you and other family I think called "Into the Light" I think that is it, It made me feel better after my grandfather who raised me died.
Enough rambling, just know we all care and wish you and your family well.
Please keep us updated valleygirl-
posted on July 12, 2002 09:57:03 AM new
valleygirl,
Your family has just started the grieving process. You are all raw now. all of you have been through Hell. It will get better.
gravid and roadsmith said it better than I can. I had never thought about the three month thing but that really does fit into my grieving process for my parents. Roadsmith, I know exactly what you mean about the jingling of coins, certain sounds. My mother passed in 83 and my father in 88 both relativly young deaths and still certain sounds will remind me of them. It gives me comfort now.
As gravid said give your mother little things to do. She may not be able to concentrate at first but they will slowly bring her out of herself. She took care of your father for so long she doesn't feel as though she has a reason for being right now. She WILL!!!! After some months (there is really no timeline for a spouse) she will realize that she can be of use to the family she and your father brought into this world.
Keep your chin up. I know it is hard but I can't repeat enough. It will get better.
I wish you peace and listen to your brother's dreams.
posted on July 13, 2002 12:19:48 AM new
VG, I wish I had words to help you. I haven't lost anyone though death since I was very young. The closest I have to compare it to is losing the love of my life though a break-up. It's been 30 years, and I still think about him and miss him. I never saw him again, or heard about his life. He came along after I was divorced twice. I thought my chest would burst from the pain I felt in my heart. I didn't date again for three years, and no one ever meant as much to me after that.
All I can say is what the others have said, that it will get better. I know it's really hard to get involved in anything. I tried reading and doing things, but I just couldn't consentrate. Take the time to mourn, and let your mom do the same. It's good you talked to her doctor so he will be aware that the process of mourning is somewhat under control.
