posted on November 12, 2003 07:22:10 AM new
To the tune of A Few of My Favorite Things from the Sound of Music:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knittin',
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, bloating gases,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
Then I remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot foot and no food with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
- - - - -
I can relate to far too many of the favorite things.
posted on November 12, 2003 08:11:33 AM newI'm remarkably healthy even though I have diabetes...guess it's because I'm so careful and I run around a couple of blocks every day.
Are you sure it isn't because of the black helicopters chasing you, that you run around the block?
"Another plague upon the land, as devastating as the locusts God loosed on the Egyptians, is "Political Correctness.'" --Charlton Heston
The bike is great! I get all kinds of great comments when I take it to Beaver Marsh (a very nice place to bike ride). Even though it's a vintage Motobecan, it's very comfortable and easy to ride! Can't wait until spring to ride again!
posted on November 12, 2003 08:54:44 AM new
Stop it, Stop it, Stop it, Helen,
I’m’a nearly droolin’
“remarkably healthy…. couple of blocks every day”
someone said you have a lovely smile too.
I hope you don’t think I’m coming across a bit like Peter Lorrie
Unfortunately, I wanted the body of a Greek god, but have the body of a god damned Greek.
My ’Arian’ Greek friends tell me that I have a nose that makes me look like an Arab or Jew,
After Sept 11, I had to trim my beard right down (the Don Johnson look) (I wish), because I was getting the feeling that I was getting double looks in my affluent neighbourhood shopping centre.
I had to resort to completely shaving it off, but now it’s back.
I do however look a hell of a lot better than these guys…honest I do…
You know you are getting old when
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Chapter 1: NURSING HOME GAMES
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Girl Guide group on a field trip to see Man Power.
Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR
OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,
and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take
any
fibre today.
"Old" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking
lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
posted on November 12, 2003 03:00:50 PM new
Kraftdinner, Kiara and I took turns dancing in the cage which swung from the rafters. I lost my boots but I still have the bikini with the neon fringe that just drove the men insane.
posted on November 12, 2003 05:19:41 PM new
Helen used to do a "Me Jane" act that was so daring, they had to put her in a cage. That's how go-go dancers in cages came to be.
austbounty, you don't have to be a pretty boy to admire great women, such as myself, Helen and Kiara.
posted on November 12, 2003 05:38:58 PM new
K.D., are you the more rounded one on the right of Kiara
oh yeh…I’m a believer!!!
Can any of guys arrange a green card for me.
Perhaps I could come in as ‘culturally gifted’.
We could all wriggle together.
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
posted on November 12, 2003 05:42:43 PM new Bear, Goldie Hawn lived in my neighborhood and she doesn't look that dumb.
It's a good sign that austbounty doesn't obsess over his perfection. Since he is a Greek god I can tolerate a little philandering and share him with KD and Kiara. Of course, he will have to share me too.
posted on November 12, 2003 05:56:56 PM new
If you are asking????
May I say…
Is the Pope Catholic?
Are the Kennedys gun shy?
Does Vic morrow hate helicopters?
Lordy Lordy;
My cup runeth over !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Menage quatro???
posted on November 12, 2003 06:36:06 PM new
You might be in luck, austbounty...
WANTED: Canada is looking for Culturally Gifted Candle Handlers. Must be able to balance lit candles in the palms of both hands while wearing bracelets on your arms. Could lead to management postion.
posted on November 12, 2003 08:57:05 PM new
I hardly have to type a word and guys want to move to Canada to become my love tokens, Helen. I'm not trying to encourage anyone to go for me - it just happens.
It doesn't become you to brag about what is essentially just trifling flings and probably inspired only by a wish on their part to visit Canada. Although your beauty is sensational and your intelligence unparalleled, you are nevertheless just a temporary diversion. On the other hand, like my namesake, every red blooded man will pursue me forever.
posted on November 12, 2003 09:59:00 PM new
Thank you KD also for your endearing remarks re:’pretty boys’
I pray at your feet, my gifts from God.. pray stop! Stop! your bickering..
We must all be as one.
What the world needs now,… is… Love …Sweet love….. it’s the one thing that there’s just tooooo little off. (to the music of Zorba)
I lay myself at your feet, pray stop!
To hear your discontent draws me like the sweet voices of the Sirens.
If only for wings, I would fly to you now!
One thousand ships could not hold me back.
Stone the crows!!!!where do I go for a bloody Green card?
Here she is doing her patriotic bit, laying it on for 12 and the boys in Vietnam.
We could all wriggle together.
