posted on November 22, 2004 05:25:31 PM new
I just saw this and thought it was pretty good. Some of it's a parody, and some is completelt accurate...
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you
who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter U will be
reinstated in words such as favour and neighbour; skipping the letter
U is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell doughnut without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter Z (pronounced zed not zee) and the suffix ize will be
replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix burgh is
pronounced burra (e.g. Edinburgh). You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as Pittsberg if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more bleeps in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad
language, then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter u and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish between the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
Cockney, upper-class twit, or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will
also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas
such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in
calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become shires (e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire).
4. Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red
Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to
get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will
no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American football but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which
is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls game called
Rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. (Merde is French for #*!@.) The 97.85% of
you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should
count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. You will
no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed
to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2 nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive
Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist
on
calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut
and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer,
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st, only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly
known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser Company,
whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine. This
will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st, the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st, 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should be handled
only by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up
enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation
--------------------------------------
We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing -- Anonymous
posted on November 22, 2004 05:40:09 PM new
Sounds like just the changes we need.
I'll calmly await their arrival. Well be 'jolly good' to watch the total confusion that will occur here in the USA. Especially for me in using metrics.
And the mention of how to pronouce the word 'aluminium' reminded me of the first time I met a Canadian woman, whose husband worked with mine. She stopped by and asked if she could borrow some 'al-u-minium'. I didn't have a clue what she was asking for.
posted on November 22, 2004 05:56:49 PM new
Oh goody, we might get to fight the British again. They better watch out though because I am a pretty fierce fighter. I am trained in Judo, Karate and Haiku. Down with the Brits and don't mess with my beer. Give me liberty or give me death.
posted on November 22, 2004 05:57:28 PM new
"When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. " - I just may have to adopt that as my signature line!
posted on November 22, 2004 05:58:25 PM new
I've always thought hearing them say Aluminum was funny, but I don't get 'revocation'... How do they say that?
I dunno about metrics. I was in elementary school in the 70's and eveyone say "we'll be changing over completely in a few years" and we never did. I thought it was pretty simple, and it was ALL we learned as far as measuring goes. They figured if they didn't teach us the English system, we'd have to switch to the metric system.
To this day I couldn't tell you how many cups in a quart or feet in a mile (I know it's around 5000). We just didn't learn that stuff. Strange but true.
--------------------------------------
We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing -- Anonymous
posted on November 22, 2004 06:04:28 PM new
OMG! the metric system? No way!
Guess will be fighting the British AGAIN, because the metric system ain't going to cut here (at least in this house!)
posted on November 22, 2004 07:26:58 PM new
[i]The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser Company, whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine. This
will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.[/i]
Hoo-haw!! Cheap Guinness!!! God save the bloody Queen!!!
____________________________________________
Dick Cheney: "I have not suggested there's a connection between Iraq and 9/11..."
[ edited by profe51 on Nov 22, 2004 07:27 PM ]
posted on November 22, 2004 07:51:14 PM new
"When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. " - I just may have to adopt that as my signature line! "
There is a lot of truth to that statement. Have you ever noticed the really foul-mouthed people out there generally are less educated and have a smaller vocabulary?
It seems obvious, but if you watch people, you'll see it to be true.
Proper vocabulary and language usage is so important to a child's future success. That was what really made me crazy about the Ebonics phase. Member dat, Dawg? Bo, I duz.
--------------------------------------
We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing -- Anonymous
posted on November 23, 2004 05:08:36 AM new
Yes, I have noticed. It's also a bad habit for a lot of people. And I believe sometimes people just do it to elicit a reaction from their listener(s).
I recall years ago a union steward was throwing all kinds of foul language at me. I told him that I didn't use that kind of language when I was speaking to him and I would appreciate it if he didn't use it when he spoke to me. It really threw him, he couldn't finish his argument. But every dispute after that was settled much more calmly without all the filthy language.
posted on November 23, 2004 02:39:31 PM new
Linda - too many possible variations to give a specific answer. But I do know I wouldn't have just given up after just 1 try.
posted on November 23, 2004 04:06:39 PM new
Also, learn these terms:
boot for car trunk
bonnet for car hood
lorry for truck
biscuits for cookies
jelly for jam
jam for jelly
knackered for tired out
ta for thanks
lift for elevator
queue for line
That's only a start.
[ edited by etexbill on Nov 23, 2004 04:07 PM ]
posted on November 23, 2004 05:05:36 PM new
"biscuits for cookies"
So... what do they call BISCUITS?
You missed one, "torch for flashlight"
I played an import PC game (one of those ancient text adventures) and this one term kept me from getting any further. I just couldn't picture how you could put batteries in a torch.
The same game also featured a Barclay Card, which I eventually figured out was some kind of ceedit card.
--------------------------------------
We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing -- Anonymous
posted on November 23, 2004 05:07:16 PM new
This thread has got me thinking... Maybe we SHOULD give up on Iraq. Somebody really needs to straighten out those Brits. Let's invade THEM instead.
We'd catch those bloody blinkin' blighters with their knickers down!
Oops. Maybe it's contagious.
--------------------------------------
We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing -- Anonymous
posted on November 23, 2004 05:12:34 PM new
replay: what do they call biscuits. Beats the heck out of me. I've wondered about that. Maybe they don't have biscuits as we know them. Poor Brits.
Here's another interesting one:
fags for cigarettes.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Now don't go talking about catching them with their knickers down. Somebody might get excited.
posted on November 23, 2004 05:16:41 PM new
Bisquits are rolls I think..or scones?
Remember this song?
In 1814, we took a little trip
Along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip'.
We took a little bacon and we took a little beans
And we caught the bloody British in a town in New Orleans.
We fired our guns and the British kept a-coming
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more, and they began to running,
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
We looked down the river and we see'd the British come
and there musta' been a hundred of 'em beating on the drum.
They stepped so high and they made their bugles ring
We stood beside our cotton bales and didn't say a thing.
We fired our guns, and the British kept a-coming
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to running,
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
Ole Hickory said we could take 'em by surprise
If we didn't fire our muskets 'till we look 'em in the eyes.
We held our fire 'til we seen their faces well
Then we opened up our squirrel guns and really gave 'em... Well..
We fired our guns, and the British kept a-coming
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to running,
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
Well they ran through the briars, and they ran through the brambles
And they ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go.
They ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch 'em
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
We fired our cannon 'til the barrel melted down
So we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round.
We filled his head with cannon balls and powdered his behind,
And when we touched the powder off, the gator lost his mind.
We fired our guns and the British kept a-coming
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to running,
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
Well they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles
And they ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go.
They ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch 'em
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
posted on November 23, 2004 05:23:01 PM new For some reason, I have always pictured our Helen as being a Brit?
Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me I've been an awful good girl Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
[ edited by maggiemuggins on Nov 23, 2004 05:23 PM ]
posted on November 23, 2004 05:27:39 PM new
You're right, Helen could be a Brit.
A duchess or lady in waiting or somethin' like that. I think she and the queen would make quite a pair. I'll bet they both could give Tony Blair a fit.
posted on November 23, 2004 05:36:43 PM new
Johnny Horton was the one. This song was done in 1959. I think I still have a couple of the records by him.
Used to collect a lot of the early rock and roll artists so have boxes full of the rolling stones, elvis etc.
posted on November 23, 2004 05:37:03 PM new
Bill-yes it was Johnny Horton who also had a hit with "Sink The Bismark" in 1961-he died in
a boating accident in 1964.
posted on November 23, 2004 05:47:48 PM new
trai: you should get on eBay with those boxes of records, unless you already are. You could make a fortune. (Well, if anyone is making a fortune there these days), but that's another story. LOL Bill
posted on November 23, 2004 05:51:55 PM new
I like this one..
Instead of saying, I'll call you in the morning.. they say , I'll knock you up..
I'm not kidding...LOL
Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me I've been an awful good girl Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
